Food for thought: What’s the worst that could happen?

Awhile back, I posted an entry on my blog from a self-facilitated session about financial security. It’s a popular topic these days, don’t you think?

Many people I know have suffered what most consider to be hard financial hits – layoffs, cutbacks, stock market dwindling, investments not returning… and there’s a lot of fear out there.

One of my biggest fears used to be losing everything I’ve worked so hard to earn. I know I’m not alone – most of us believe that if we lost everything we have, we couldn’t go on. No matter what your current financial circumstances, harboring that thought will bring instant fear. What is the worst you think could happen?

“If I lost everything I have, I couldn’t go on.”
“If I was 65 years old and couldn’t retire, that would be the worst thing.”
“If I worked my whole life and had nothing to show for it, my life would be a waste, and THAT would be the worst thing.”

If you are afraid of something bad happening, I invite you to find TEN GENUINE REASONS why the opposite could also be true – for example: “If I lost everything I have, I COULD go on.”

I call this “un-scaring yourself about money.”

Re-visit the blog post about financial security here.

How to stop should-ing on yourself

from my Clarity Coaching E-Zine, Sept 2008. (I just found this puppy in an old email archive and thought you’d enjoy it reading it again!)

I’ve discovered since our new baby arrived that I think I should already know how to manage two children. Why not? I’ve been doing it for a whole two weeks now; I’ve got a two-year-old already, piece of cake, right? Every time I get impatient, I find myself entertaining thoughts like “I should be able to do this” or “this shouldn’t be so hard” or “I can’t handle this!” This new addition has proved to be more than my parenting skills seem to be able to handle lately.

Have you ever felt frustrated with yourself because you just can’t seem to get something right – something that you really think you ought to have under control?

I’ve discovered that the root of this problem is confusing theoretical knowledge with actual knowledge. Theoretical knowledge is the kind of knowledge that exists only as a concept and not in reality. Here’s an example I often share with my clients.

You know that a tiny baby, though limited in its current ability, has incredible potential. You don’t expect more from a baby than they have mastered; you understand that things unfold in time as the child develops.

However, we seem to think that just because we are now adults who have learned to walk, talk, drive cars and go to work, we also ought to be able to live according to everything we know is possible for us. Just because we have learned that we “should” be kind or happy or successful – in theory – we expect ourselves to BE kind or happy or successful – in reality. But how could you if you haven’t figured out how to bridge that gap? (If you actually knew how, you’d be doing it.)

Sometimes we demand performance from ourselves at levels that we haven’t yet mastered and then wonder why we feel frustrated, inadequate, and depressed. You wouldn’t get upset at a new baby for not being able to stand up and walk, would you? Your spiritual development is much less apparent, even though it develops with time and experience just like everything else. (Here’s a great quote on my blog that expands this concept.) Unlike physical milestones, we have no real way to measure our spiritual progression.

So, when I say “I should be more patient than I am” – sure, I know theoretically that more patience really is a good thing, yet obviously I haven’t quite learned how to be that it in this situation just yet. I’m working on expanding that capacity. The only way I can learn that in actuality is by doing it, experimenting with it, struggling with it. We don’t learn how to walk by reading a book or attending a lecture or getting really good advice on it; we get up and fall down enough times to discover how to balance on our own two feet.

So look for yourself – where do you have it like you should or shouldn’t be the way you are? Here are some common ’sticky’ thoughts:

“I should be (happier, more successful, more accomplished)…”
“I should be more on top of things.”
“I should be more organized.”
“I shouldn’t be struggling with this.”
“I should be able to do this by now.”

When thoughts like this surface, remind yourself that you must not actually know how. Go easy. Be kind. Be aware and make changes as necessary.

You could also examine any “shoulds” in your thinking with some of these questions:

-Should… according to whom? (If the idea is something you can’t own, it probably won’t be very empowering.)
-How do you react when you harbor that thought? Does it bring me stress, or peace? (I noticed that the thought “I should be more patient” actually makes me impatient!)
-Can you find a reason why it makes more sense to be where you are instead of where you think you should be?
-Change ” I should be…” to “I hope to be…” How does that feel different?

If you can shift from demanding something from yourself to cultivating something in yourself, I think you’ll have a much kinder experience on your journey through life. Let me know what you discover!

“As a man thinketh, so is he” – have you heard that before? We all seem to be acutely aware of the power of our thoughts. Your thoughts determine your feelings, and your feelings determine your actions, and your actions ultimately determine your destiny, right? I’m sure you are already aware of the degree to which your thoughts have an impact on the quality of your life.

As such, we think that the game is to have more good thoughts than bad ones, more happy ones than sad ones. Many of us are working awfully hard to escape or eradicate chronically negative thoughts and feelings. (How’s that going, by the way?) We hope that by doing so we will get more of the good stuff in life and less of the bad.

However, there’s one problem with all of this. The advice we’ve heard forever that we need to change our thinking to change our lives assumes that we have complete control over our thinking.

Do you?

Let’s see:

Do not think of a pink elephant.

What happened? Didn’t you think of a pink elephant? Hm. So much for having control over your thoughts. Now, pink elephants are relatively benign, but what happens when you have a really scary, nasty, damaging, or at least stressful thought running through your head and you try not to think about it or try to get rid of it? Most of us tend to try to distract ourselves or replace the thought with something else. That would be called avoidance. And avoidance, my friends, was never deliverance. Take any chronically negative thought in your life (such as “I’m not good enough”) and honestly look at how effective your efforts have been to escape it – long term. Thoughts like that tend to stick around forever. Why is that?

The answer to that question also explains why you can’t change your thoughts as easily as you think you can:

Because thoughts like that have you. There is a big difference between thoughts that you have and thoughts that have you. Thoughts that you have are like “what’s for dinner?”. Thoughts that have you – those are the ones that show up out of nowhere and determine how how you feel and act. You have very little choice when they show up because they – not you – are running the show.

Do you catch my drift?

So if a thought has you, can you drop it? No! You are not in control in that moment. IT is. And sadly, the more you struggle to get rid of it, the more power it has over you. That’s just how it goes. Look in your own life and see if that’s not the case!

The quickest way I’ve found to break the chokehold of stressful thoughts is self-inquiry via The Work of Byron Katie – my expertise as a Clarity Coach. I’ve found that when you simply begin to investigate those thoughts – without the motive of getting rid of or changing them – you simply see things in a new way. You enlighten yourself and discover what is really true, or truer than what you have been thinking. And it’s the truth that sets you free, right? When I earnestly take those thoughts to inquiry, I find that they let go of me – sometimes just a little (which is great when you are in a chokehold!), and sometimes entirely.

So that’s why you can’t change those thoughts just because you really want to. (**And I didn’t say thoughts can’t change!**) Instead of trying changing them, try what works: put them on paper and question them using The Work of Byron Katie – for clarity’s sake.

While the world is full of tips and advice, I’ve noticed most people already know what they ought to do and it makes no difference. Telling you what to do doesn’t work unless you actually know how. My intention is to help you realize for yourself exactly HOW to lift any troubled relationship to a higher plane. My aim is to provide practical tools for experiencing relief, peace, and joy under any circumstance.

Here’s something I think you’ll love:

The Key to Ending Frustration

Not too long ago, I taught a class on “communication” at a massage therapy school. While on a short break, one of my students got into an argument with a staff member right outside our classroom door. I stood in the doorway and watched as they talked over each other, pointing out what the other person was doing wrong. The student returned to class, fuming with anger. It was the perfect opportunity to share something with her that I think you’ll find equally useful – especially if you’ve ever felt misunderstood, frustrated, or unsupported by another.

One of the most important keys to freedom and healing in any relationship is understanding what Byron Katie calls the Three Kinds of Business. Here’s how I summarize this concept:

There are only three kinds of business in the whole Universe:

* My business. That’s how I do life – how I think, feel, and act.
* Other peoples’ business: That’s how the other 6.6 billion people on this planet think, feel, and act in their lives.
* God’s business. That’s the stuff that happens that’s neither yours nor mine. For example, whether or not it rains tomorrow – I’d call that God’s business.

(And by the way, I use the term “God” loosely – it’s whatever God means to you. You can call it the Universe, your Higher Power, whatever; and if you don’t believe in God or a Higher Power, then there are only two kinds of business.)

The wisdom in understanding the difference between the three kinds of business is this:

Whenever you leave your own business, you suffer. Period.

Trying to mind somebody else’s business is confusing and painful. You get frustrated, irritated, angry, and so on. I invite you to look in your life for examples, and see the truth of this simple gem of wisdom.

You see, you can spend your life energy hopelessly trying to change others – change the way they think, see, behave, and feel. Notice that they either change or they don’t, but in the meantime, it’s frustrating for you, isn’t it?

Once awake to the reality of this principle, the act of simply noticing that you are mentally in someone else’s will bring you back to your own. Becoming aware of the pain brings you home to attend to that which is in your control – your business.

Whose business are you in?

I come from a family of nine kids. Yep, nine kids. Needless to say, Thanksgiving Day is usually mayhem, and a lot of work.

I started getting bummed out by the usual “What are YOU thankful for?” routine – you know, where you go around the table and say something you’re grateful for? Ugh. I hate doing ANYTHING out of obligation.

So… a couple years ago I started doing something else: Naikan (pronounced nye-kan). It is the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection, and for me, a direct gateway into overflowing gratitude. (Why talk about being grateful when you can actually BE grateful? Are you catching my drift?)

I invite you to try it with me this month and see how your life blossoms.

The entire process requires a notebook, a pen, and some quiet time with three little questions.

Naikan means “looking inside” or “looking inward”, which is precisely what we DON’T do when we are hurt or upset with another person or situation. Though virtually unknown in North America, there are scores of Naikan centers in Japan that use this process in mental health counseling, addiction treatment, schools, business, and even for prisoners. (source: Naikan: Gratitude, Grace, and the Japanese Art of Self-Reflection by Gregg Krech)

It’s simple, but challenging. Here’s the basic way to do it:

Pick any person in your life. Anyone. You can love them or hate them or anything in between – just for now, pick one person. It could be your spouse, a child, co-worker, the pizza delivery guy, your postal worker… neighbor, dog groomer – anyone.

Write down their name at the top of a blank page.

Copy down the first question:

1) What have I received from this person?
Make a list. Really, stop and look. Reflect on everything that this person has given you. What gifts have they given you? How have they supported you? What kind things have they done for you? Give yourself ten minutes and make as thorough a list as possible. Be SPECIFIC.

Next question:

2) What have I given to this person?
What did you actually do for them? What have you given them in return? What kindnesses or favors or simple gifts have you provided? Give yourself another ten minutes and make as thorough a list as possible. Be SPECIFIC.

And finally:

3) What troubles or difficulties have I caused this person?
This can be a difficult question to answer. Did you criticize them? Did you make them pick up your slack? Did you ignore them? Be SPECIFIC.

Again, the purpose of this is for self-reflection, not self-criticism. When you are done with all three questions, simply look at all three lists.

What do you notice?
What are you aware of now that you weren’t aware of before?

Please share your insights by commenting on this post or by sending me an email.

I invite you to do this at least FIVE times between now and November 30, 2009. Let’s do a little experiment and see what we see. The results might surprise you.

I’ll be posting my own examples (as soon as I can find the notebook I’ve been using for this!)

This is an excerpt from a paper I wrote about how our attempts to control our thoughts often fail and why. This is in conjunction with the last newsletter (subscribe at www.rebeccaoverson.com) I sent out about “how to stop shoulding on yourself”. I hope it’s helpful in clarifying some of the problems created by giving advice!

Shoma Morita, a Japanese Psychologist who was a contemporary of Freud, made a parallel observation. He spoke with disdain of those who instruct people with ideas and advice such as “Let go of the past” and “Believe in yourself.” (This is still going on today but sounds like “Live in the Now.” “Take responsibility for your life.” “Be open to new possibilities.” “Love everyone.”) They are wonderful, encouraging thoughts, and we respond by doing our best to heed the advice given to us. According to Morita,

“These [statements] are all intended to motivate the achievement of certain purposes and results. What is meant by these sayings is that it would be desirable to attain such mental states. If, however, no effective methods and conditions are developed to help a person accomplish such states, then s/he will only become tired of futile attempts encouraged by these sayings; in essence, s/he ends up with unnecessary fatigue and opposite results. Responding to such encouragement is like riding a horse against a wall while hurrying in vain to a destination…

Paradoxically, attempts to induce a brave feeling create more timidity, and attempts to become unconcerned about death make people even more governed by their fear of death” (Morita, 1928, p. 14).

In other words, YES, it would be really really great if we all did everything we knew we SHOULD. It would be ideal if we all loved our neighbors, served each other, forgave, etc. However, we don’t know HOW to do all that yet. Few people know HOW to love someone they hate. Few people know HOW to let go of the past.

What Morita is saying – and I think he is right on – is that if we don’t know HOW to move to that state of being (or doing) we get burned out, frustrated, and it really backfires. That’s what’s going on for those people who complain that they ‘just can’t be perfect’ or live up to all the ‘expectations’ made of them.

And that doesn’t mean don’t try and do your best, etc. Just question your stressful thoughts about it. Life is about training and development. This is Earth School. So you have to be practicing something to find out what is missing and what would make you more effective.

I did on the work once on “I should be happier”. In a nutshell, I realized that this belief actually moves me away from happiness because when I am not happy and I believe this thought, I judge myself, compare myself, feel broken, etc. I lose sight of all happiness I have when I believe that thought. Without the thought I am free to be happy or not, but free – and much more likely to be happy, because there is nothing to fight against, no guilt, etc.

So for me, this is where The Work comes in. It IS the HOW. When you really question your thoughts, it moves you to a different state. You come to see what is real and what is not. You are kinder and gentler to yourself and then to others. You are actually able to let go of the past. It is one way to access a change of heart and a change of mind!

Can we talk about Brigham Young ? No, not for religious purposes or even college football… but for the opportunity of sharing something that will give you access to freedom! In this quote I found this week, Brigham, who lived in the 19^th century, was speaking about a time when a judge stood up in a Mormon meeting and publicly insulted and threatened the group. Of this incident, he says (and I’ve added my own emphasis here):

“…there were men and women in the congregation who suffered more in the anticipation of what might be the result of it in future, than the generality this people have suffered in being actually mobbed.”

Do you ever do that? Do you ever imagine some terrible thing happening to you or those you love: bankruptcy, illness, divorce, misunderstandings, loss, loneliness, failure, or hardship? That’s what we’re talking about here. Find your own example of this.

He continues:

“…They could see, in imagination, all hell let loose upon us, themselves strung up, their ears cut off, their bowels torn out, and this whole people cut to pieces…”

Now look and see if you don’t do the same thing. Look at what images come to mind when you think about this thing you fear. Notice all the pictures that come to mind. What terrible places does your imagination take you? Living in a homeless shelter, being embarrassed, having to ask for help, being alone forever, never making ‘the cut’ and so on? Going on:

“After they had time to think, they found themselves still alive and unhurt, to their great astonishment. They suffered as much as though they had been sent to the bottom of the bottomless pit…I know this people have suffered more by the contemplation of trouble, than they have when actually passing through it…as they have magnified future trouble almost infinitely beyond its real dimensions…”

Isn’t that so true for all of us? See if you can locate a time in the past when you anticipated something unfavorable happening. Which was actually worse – anticipating it, or going through it? Maybe you thought “I could not handle it if…”; now notice that you did handle it – because here you are. Still alive.

And finally:

“…That mankind makes mistakes in these ways must be apparent to those who have felt the workings of hope and fear in their nature. People suffer more in the anticipation of death, than in death itself. There is more suffering in what I call borrowed trouble, than in trouble itself” (from Journal of Discourses, Vol 1, pages 313-315).

Amen, brother Brigham.

As many of you know, I am currently 9 months pregnant. I had a little false alarm on Labor Day (last Monday) – a bout of intense contractions 5 minutes apart. I went to bed that night, CERTAIN that I’d have this baby in my arms on Tuesday. It’s now Thursday… no baby yet. Every day started to feel like a disappointment! So I did The Work on this thought:

I need to have this baby today

…and here’s how it went.

I need to have this baby today – is that true?

Well, no. I don’t need to. I just kind of want to. Or at least that’s what I keep thinking, anyway.

I need to have this baby today – how do you react when you think that thought (and you are apparently NOT having the baby today)?

I get disappointed, frustrated, bored, discouraged, think that the future will be better than right now (ha! ask me that when I’ve had no sleep for 6 weeks!), see pregnancy as a burden, feel like I have to ‘do something’ to intervene, feel pressure to ‘make it happen’ somehow, get impatient…

Who would you be without the thought I need to have this baby today?

Peaceful, open, trusting, allowing, relaxed…like I was before. I would allow things to be as they are and I would get on with my life instead of putting it on hold. I would enjoy what is going on right now and savor these last moments before a big change comes!

Turn it around: I need to have this baby today=

I don’t need to have this baby today. That is true. I mean, reality tells me that apparently I’m NOT having this baby today, so either I know more than God, or things are going exactly as they ought to.

It’s also true because I haven’t had the baby yet, and I’m still alive. I’m doing just fine. I’m doing really well, actually! I am healthy, and the baby is healthy; there is no ACTUAL need (as in medical emergency) to get this baby out. Thank heaven.

Another turnaround: This baby needs to have me today. Way truer. I’ve got plenty to do, but baby apparently needs to still have my body to roost in for awhile. Apparently it still needs to be inside, because it is. I trust babies. I trust my body. This is much better – I’d really rather just wait until the baby chooses to come.

Yet another turnaround: I want to have this baby today. Yes, a want is very different than a need. And at this point I can’t even say that’s true for me that I WANT to have the baby today. What’s truer is I want the baby to come when it’s ready.

I gave the following exercise in a recent e-zine I sent out to my subscribers and clients about the Three Kinds of Business as taught by Byron Katie. Here are my thoughts on each. (And if you want to subscribe yourself, go to www.rebeccaoverson.com and put your email address in the box provided at the bottom of the page!)

For those who missed the e-zine – the gist is this: There are only three kinds of business in the world: mine, others’, and God’s. When you are minding someone else’s business, you suffer. Period.

OK, now here are my thoughts on Exercise 1.

* Someone doesn’t understand you
What another person understands (or doesn’t understand) is their business.

* Your feelings are hurt
Your feelings would be your business. Nobody made you feel anything. You did that by believing what you think without questioning it.

* Others don’t see things your way
What other people see is their business. You say what you say, or you do what you do, and they either see things your way or not. “You need them to see things your way” – is that true?

* You don’t have enough money
How I make, save, or spend money is my business.

* You feel misunderstood by someone
How you feel is your business. Whether or not they understand you is their business. Do you even understand you? Do you understand them? That’s your work, your business.

And question the thought “I need them to understand me.”

* A driver on the road rear-ended your car
The moment you entertain thoughts about whether it should or shouldn’t have happened, you are in God’s business. The reality is that it DID happen. Nothing can change that.
How other people drive is their business.
How you drive is your business.
The ultimate safety and well being of any human being who is doing all they know to do in order to play it safe and smart… is God’s business if you ask me! There is an inherent risk of driving that everyone accepts, whether you do that consciously or not.

* Someone you love passed away
Whether I live or die is God’s business – Unless I take my own life, and I don’t plan on doing that any time soon.
So if you are suffering about someone’s death, and you’re having thoughts like “This shouldn’t have happened” “They died too soon” – you are in God’s business. “Death always comes right on time”… like everything else in the world, according to Byron Katie! To presume you know more than God about when people should or shouldn’t die definitely puts you in God’s business.

And as always, you can question painful thoughts (via The Work) like “This is terrible” “I’ll never be the same without them” and so forth.

* A friend doesn’t call you back
Who people call or don’t call is their business. What are you making it mean that they didn’t call you? Can you really know that’s true?

* An earthquake caused great damage to your home
Earthquake: God’s business.
Whether or not I have earthquake insurance: my business.

* A prospect does business with your competitor instead
Who they work with is their business.
And question any story you have about what you think you did to lose that deal. “If I’d been more flexible, they would have signed with me…” Can you absolutely know that???

* Your lover left you for someone else
Who your lover wants to be with is their business. This one is a tough pill to swallow because we think we can make people love us and we often become who we think they want us to be instead of being who we really are. The reality is, people love whom they love and there is nothing you can do about it. Oh my, there are a zillion painful concepts to be investigated in relationships! For a good read on this subject, buy “I need your love – is that true?” by Byron Katie.

DEFINITELY question any painful conclusions you are drawing about it like “nobody wants me” “There is something wrong with me” “If I’d done x they would have stayed” “I need them in my life” and so on.

* You fear someone else will feel hurt or let down by your actions
Your actions are your business. How others feel is their business.

* You are annoyed by someone
How you feel is your business. If you think you are annoyed by someone, fill out a Judge-Your-Neighbor worksheet on them and do The Work! You might find the person that annoys you most is YOU.

* You don’t like a present you received
What you like is your business.
What someone chose to give you is their business.
How you deal with it is your business. Do you feel guilty for not liking it? Do you lie and pretend you do and go out of your way to make sure they know it?
The gift is in the giving, not the object itself. All the meaning you add to an object is your business. Does it bring you stress, or peace? If it’s stressful, put your thoughts on paper and question them!

I welcome any questions, insights, or feedback!

(This entry is copied from my Radio Show blog at www.rcrn.info, from the March 12, 2008 “Got Clarity?” Show. For more info please visit my website, www.rebeccaoverson.com)

Tonight on the “Got Clarity?” Show, Kristin took a look at the frustrating thought “I need to be happier.” This is a big one, for all of us… we think we need to be happier, prettier, more successful, more joyful… we think we need more romance, more attention, more love, more money… Kristin demonstrated beautifully what happens when we start seeking something – we drive it away.

“I need to be happier”

1. Is that true?

I think so.

2. Can you really know it’s true? In other words, can you really know that being happier right now is what would fulfill you? (and I’m not saying it’s NOT true… just look – can you really know that?)

No, I can’t really know that.

3. How do you react when you think “I need to be happier”?

I get frustrated. Jealous of others. Feel shortchanged. Try really hard to change things in my life. I get full of angst. I treat others like it’s their job to make me happy – and they are failing miserably! I am not fun to be around!
(It was at this point that Kristin realized that this thought did not move her in the direction she wanted to go! Nice insight!)

4. Who would you be without the thought “I need to be happier”?

Just more peaceful, and….hm… happier. Wow.

“I need to be happier” – Turn it around:

I don’t need to be happier.
It’s true in the sense that there are many things in my life right now that I am actually happy about
It’s true in the sense that sometimes I am not happy and I’m still here – it doesn’t kill me. I don’t need it like I need to breathe in order to survive.

Nice work, Kristin. Thanks for your participation.

Please join us Wednesdays at 7pm MST/ 6pm Pacific/ 9pm Eastern for another edition of the “Got Clarity?” Show on the Real Coaching Radio Network. Tune in at www.rebeccaoverson.com or www.rcrn.info. Bring your stressful thoughts with you and see how easy freedom can be!