"My husband and I aren’t close anymore"

Anyone who has known my husband and I for any length of time would state unequivocally that we have an inspiring relationship. We are true partners, totally on the same ‘team’, love to be together, and have awesome communication that keeps us free from excess mental/emotional garbage. I always say I married the man of my dreams; he would tell you that he never thought he could find someone like me.

H o w e v e r . . . I have found myself harboring feelings of anger and resentment towards him lately. It’s been going on for a few weeks now – so long that I don’t even know why I am angry – I just am angry, all the time. What’s my deal? Why do I burst into tears and find myself not wanting to talk to him or be around him? Why do I feel so far away from him?

Everything seems to have changed since our son was born in September. They say it’s a strain on a marriage…maybe I just have ‘Postpartum Depression’.

Or not.

Here we go…

My husband and I are not close anymore.

1. Is it true (the belief from above)?
Yes. At least that’s how I feel.

2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No – I only know what I experience – I guess I can’t know it as TRUTH.

3. How do you react when you think “My husband and I aren’t close anymore”?
I feel far away from him. I feel really, really sad. And empty.
I think he doesn’t love me and I get suspicious of him.
I get judgmental and critical of him.
I think that there is something wrong with our relationship and I don’t know what it is. I try to fix it anyway. That doesn’t go over very well.
I am angry at him all the time.
I am always frustrated by him.
I get mad when he doesn’t want to talk. In fact, I am just mad at him all the time! For everything! I find fault in everything that he does or doesn’t do.
I get defensive, sarcastic, and rude. I take offense to most everything he says.
I don’t spend time with him. I avoid him. I don’t talk to him except about shallow things.
I don’t like him very much. I don’t like myself very much.
I get mad at myself.
I resent him.
I turn away from my husband, from God, and myself. And then I feel guilty about that.
I hate my life and I want to go back to the beginning of our marriage again.
I hate it being this way. I hate EVERYTHING.
I withhold my love from him and that hurts.
I feel alone.
I feel helpless and small.
I feel like I don’t have a partner anymore.
I don’t feel love for him.
I feel a huge loss. I feel like I’ve lost my best friend. I worry about what that might mean.
I feel inferior in some way and I’m not sure why.
I am very unhappy and not much fun to be around.
I put myself down in my mind.
I think I must be defective. I feel like a victim and a martyr. I feel unappreciated and unfulfilled.
I don’t talk to him; I think ‘I CAN’T talk to him’.
I feel unattractive and get very upset with myself.
I wonder if I have postpartum depression – I think about that a lot… and that makes me feel really stuck being this way.
I start questioning our marriage.

Can you see a reason to drop that thought? (And please don’t try to drop it.)HEAVENS Yes. Just take another look at that list above!

4. Who would you be without the thought?
*sigh….*
There would be nothing wrong. Things would be great, I would have power back in my life and I would be happy. I would celebrate accomplishments, I would feel like I was moving forward, I would be the boss of me. I would stay in my own business and therefore suffer less. I would love what I have and rejoice in it. I would be spontaneous, creative, witty, funny.
I would do things for him, take care of him (without keeping score!), and I would dream up little surprises for him, which he loves. I would be sweet and supportive to him. I would love him like crazy. (I DO love him like crazy, without my story.)
I would be the woman of his dreams and he would be the man of my dreams (again).
I would feel grateful for what I have.
I would be happy, and I would be happy with myself.
I would be peaceful.
I would feel close to God.

Turn the thought around.
He and I are still close.
This is true. For heaven’s sake, we live together, sleep together, eat together, care for our son together, hang out together. He even folds my underwear neatly when he does the laundry.

I am not close with me anymore.
This is way true. I don’t take that go-inside-and-sit-with-me time for myself. I don’t even have a little ’space’ for myself in this house (is that true??)
I am mentally in his business and have therefore left ME. I am totally drifting away from me. I am not giving myself what I need in relationships and expecting my husband to give it to me. Not his job!

After having done this work, I find it so interesting that the ‘distance’ I feel is a result of simply THINKING that we are distant. I think we are distant, so I go right ahead and act distant. Yet another way of getting how I am the only one who upsets me…

{ 2 comments… read them below or add one }

Jennifer N. Brown November 4, 2012 at 9:45 pm

I understand ur pain…i am going through the same thing.. I don’t know if you are responding to threads, if so..ill explain further..maybe we can help each other talk thru it

Monteil Boggs March 23, 2013 at 2:44 am

I feel a lot of those things and I always seem to worry about how he feels and that makes me not like him. Is he still attacked to me does he still love me is he only still here because of the kids? We don’t talk when we have a chance I don’t hear him he don’t hear me, we always have miss communication. We have nothing in common he is all about music and himself and yes he loves his kids but he is just not the guy or half the guy I thought he would be and I know I’m not the one for him. Instead of saying something nice to me once in a while he cracks jokes all the time and it always hurts my feelings and makes me feel like I’m taking it to much to the heart. If he says nice things once in a blue moon and mean jokes all the time it starts to hurt and make me think he means them. There is no romance on valentine’s he wanted to play basketball instead of being with me, I know I should think ” He loves me all year long” but I thought maybe just one day out of the year I would be special to him and it would be about me and him. Who ended up going out her way to do something nice me got us a spa day together. I’m just so mad all the time like I want to run and never look back I don’t want to even start over I just want to act like it never happened .

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